New Year...

Dec 31, 2000... It was the last day of the last year that Zakk would ever see. As parts of me were crushed he wouldn't see the new year, more parts of me were anxious for that year to end. New Years eve had always consisted of many fun parties and the kids at Granny and Papa's house. Not that year, I sat in the little country house I had just moved my family into, in the middle of no where, 5 miles from my parents. I sat on the edge of my bed, tiny Rhys sleeping soundly, watching the clock in silence. 11:57, 11:58...etc, as each minute passed I grew more anxious. Finally it blinked 12:00. I breathed a literal sigh of relief.

It was over...

Good Riddance 2000.

The worst year of my life was over. As Judith had been telling me in our counseling sessions, there was pretty much NO WAY the next year could be this bad. I agreed with her, I knew in my heart the heavens would be easy on me at least this next year. I couldn't wait to see 2001.

I grew that year in ways I never expected, got into nursing school, became a better mother, and a better person all around. Things happend to me in a good way that had never happend before. I knew it wasn't by accident. Zachary was watching, and helping me grow. My little boy that I had protected and taught suddenly transcended me and was now my protector and my teacher.

Amazing.

He's not here physcially, but there is only a thin veil keeping us apart. He's very much here, I cannot see or touch him but he's very much here. I see him manifest in my life. Little things popping up and coming to be. Little reminders "Hey mom! I'm still here!"

To my friends who are sitting on the edge of a new year without your little ones, just remember it would be pretty darn hard to top what you went through this past year. Take solace in that even if you can't find anything else to cling to.

I hope to grow as much this year as I did in 2001. I love my life and I pretty much can't imagine it get better. This year I hope it's personal growth. I want to make changes in my thinking. To live healthier and perhaps a little greener.

God Bless You Guys!!!!

Happy New Year.

WHOO HOO, we made it....

Through another holiday season that is! I took a brief break from blogging, I'm sure you noticed. A few days after my last post was the anniversary of Zachary's death, then it lead straight into the holiday season. For some reason this year it was harder than most.

The night before last *Christmas Eve* I had to work and I got off at my usual 7pm. Kevin and the kids had gone to his Aunt Dorothy's for the family gathering. I came home to an empty house. I knew I was going to and wasn't really bothered by that idea, I figured I would use the time to finish wrapping gifts, sip a glass of wine and just unwind. Boy, I had no idea what was going to happen. Grief has a funny way of just sneaking up on you and smacking you into reality in the oddest times. In the middle of giving report I started tearing up, and I felt the saddness begin to creep in. By the time I got in the car to go home I was sobbing. I realized in the 9 christmases that he'd be gone this was the first Christmas Eve I was alone.

Alone with my thoughts.....and my grief.

It became painfully clear, I miss him as much as always and probably more that night. I should have been wrapping gifts for a 14 yearold boy with all the others.

I just prayed. I prayed for peace, for Zachary, for a bitter co-worker. I felt better when I was done. Just to get it out. That's when I decided to start this up again after Christmas.

So here I am again :)

The Night Before...

I hope you've been checking in on "He Will Carry Me". This is the story that prompted me on this journey. Today she has a post '24'. It's about the last 24 hours Issac is in her tummy.

Tommorow is his birthday, and possibly the day he will pass away. Her letter to him was amazing, it's on her other blog 'Dear Issac'. I've meant to link it through here and just haven't yet, but you can reach it through hers.

Anyways..the letter is what made me think. Something I've often entertained. Had I known that Wednesday October 11, 2000 was Zachary's '24' what would I have said or done? With tears a flowing here's what I've come up with.

I would have gone no where....or maybe I would have. I wouldn't have let go of him at all that entire time, and over and over again I'd remind him of how much I loved him and how his presence in my life has made me who I am and will continue to make me so much greater than I ever thought I could be.

He loved dinosaurs, perhaps I'd have rented every movie made about them, or took him to a museum.

I'd have fed him as many bananas and chocolate chip cookies he could stand! I'd have let him stay up all night watching Zaboomafoo, or The Rugrats if he wanted. I'd listen to all his stories, no matter how many times I'd heard them.

I'd tell him how brave he was, and I'd keep to myself how scared I would have been. I would ask him if he thought I was a good mom, and how I thought he was a great kid no matter how rowdy he could get.

I'd tell him all the stories of my childhood that I won't get to now. I'd tell him how similar we are, he loved to hear how he looked just like me. I'd take him to the church I grew up in and tell him how when I was little I used to watch the moms with their kids and day dream about the day it would be me, and how I always wanted a huge family.

I'd sing "Zaccheus" with him and let him sing as loud as he wanted, he loved to sing louder than the rest. I'd tell him about when I was in high school I used to be the leader of the "Little Kids Choir" at church and how I always knew I'd teach my kids those same songs.

I'd show him his ultrasound video and laugh about how funny he looked.

I'd ask him to always look over this brothers and sister and to snuggle with the brothers and sisters I don't know yet and hope to know later.

I'd snuggle with him some more and tell him I loved him some more.

I'd let him play until he tuckered himself out with his "brudder and sister", then I'd hold him in my arms and rocked him while he slept like he loved, and cover his with his 'pooh' blanket.

I'd play Power Rangers until I fully understood how amazing they were, and cheer for Darth Maul because he had the "coolest light saber".

I wouldn't take for granted one single thing. Something I am guilty of. All of us as parents are guilty of from time to time. I'd like to think I've gotten better at it since then.

I wouldn't have let go peacefully, I didn't understand, and I can't say I do now. I just understand now that there are things we'll never understand and it's not for us to. We have to take what we've been given and make the most from it. I try to live my life in honor of Zachary so his wasn't in vain. I know my older kids do too. Rhys is still too small to understand that.

Please pray for Stacy and Spencer. They need us more now than ever. They need to be surrounded by love and prayer. They need a miracle and if that isn't what's planned they need peace. They are amazing people with amazing faith. If you aren't famliar with Issac's story please take the time to read from the beginning. They aren't just carrying a baby, he's a living testament of faith.

Wow....

So I tell Canaan on the way to the movie theater Saturday night that I've been considering going to church. It's greeted with a horrified "WHAT?". "Did you tell Dad?" I explained that her Dad and I have been talking about this in great lengths over the past few weeks.

"I'm not going....and you can't make me participate if I do go, Mom you have taught us that your spirituality is very private, I don't want to share my relationship with my God with a bunch of stupid kids" I'm shocked at this...more so at the maturity of the argument. I tried to ease her worries and explained that I felt the fellowship would be good for her and her brothers. She then launched into a very mature, very thoughtout spiel about her thoughts and theirs "the christian kids". "I don't need a group to tell me to keep my virginity, I don't need a stupid a abstinence ring, I'm very aware of my virginity and my choice to keep it. You've raised me to make my own decisions and to think them all the way out and be responisible for my actions. I don't need them to help. They don't realize they have to be responisible for their actions, not blame God for poor choices." At this I'm COMPLETELY blown away....what do you say to that. I know 40 year olds who don't think things out like she has. I'm guessing this abstinence issue is the hot topic in high school. She has a friend in the "pride" troup that goes to this church I had mentioned. She made it clear she didn't want to be "brainwashed" like her.

So as proud as I am of my kids, I've made them anti establishment, at least where church is concerned. Not to mention Kevin is very opposed to going into any church and having them ask for money. He's very giving with his money if it's for a good cause, he's just very cynical when it comes to a church.

I don't know what to do about this! I did raise those kids to be exactly the way they are. I am proud, but I would think they were young enough to be open to new ideas. Nope. I can force them to church, I can't make them learn, and I'll struggle to keep them from "bahhh-ing" at the "sheep kids" under their breath.

So now I'll just stick with praying and reading on my own. Trying to find a way out of this.


On a different note, please continue to pray for Stacy, Spencer and Issac, his birth is set for Oct 7. Also I mentioned Lindsay in a previous post. It's her daughters birthday today, and she could also use some prayer and love her way.

They're just Wal-Mart people....

So yesterday was a big day for me. I had to do the usual 'mom' stuff so I went here and there to run my errands. Finally made it to wal-mart to finish up with the rest, food, cleaning supplies..the usual.

I should mention here that as I inch closer to the anniversary of Zakk's death I get weird. I do this every year. I get very emotional and ver klempt at the drop of a hat. I should also mention Kevin and I are trying to conceive and I'm weaning myself off caffeine and spending tons of time day dreaming about what I want the nursery to look like!

So in Wal-Mart I'm browsing the baby stuff and I notice a pooh blanket. This has significance because Zachary had a pooh blanket he drug all over everywhere he went. My dad once had to drive 40 miles to bring Zakk that blanket once because we had left it at Granny and Papa's house! So tears start to fill my eyes, and suddenly it hits me. You need a bible, now's the time.
So I went and bought the first bible I've owned in over 15 years and the first I've ever bought myself. It's a cute "gift" bible it's an NIV (I had no idea there were so many to choose from!) it's brown soft leather with a cross on it. I also bought "Becoming a Woman of Worth" by Karen Moore. It's a devotional book.

Yeah...so after doing this I become overwhelmed and texted Misty. "I just bought a bible and I'm about to bawl in wal-mart" She immediately calls me and doesn't really help the tear situation. Now I'm really crying. So I'm telling her this...and she's understaning where I'm at emotionally and we're discussing this. I'm telling her I'm trying not to cry at the check out in wal-mart, people are starting to look. My dahling cousin with her infinite wisdom in her so sweet maternal voice says "It's ok Traci, they're just Wal-Mart people, you'll never see most of the again, it's ok to cry." This makes me laugh....and still does today! So I did...I cried at the vulnerability I felt in the moment right there....in front of the Wal-Mart people.

Leave it to me to have one of the most personal moments with God I've ever had in the last 20 years right there...between People Magazine and the Butterfingers.

I go out to the car, unload the stuff and grab the bible. I'm reading Psalm107, first because I wanted to explore more of what Stacy had written about in her blog, and second because Misty said it would be a great place for me to start. And this is what I found....

Psalm 107:10-14
Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom
prisoners suffering in iron chains
for they had rebelled against the words of God
and despised the councel of the Most High.
So he subjected them to bitter labor,
they stumbled and there was no one to help.
They cried to the Lord in their trouble, and
he saved them from their distress.

He brought them out of the darkness and the deepest gloom
and broke away their chains.

Crazy...

UGH

Today I'm off, and trying to shake bad vibes from yesterday. I'm pretty sure one of the Dr's I work with hates me...perhaps the feeling is mutual. You try your hardest to be helpful and nice to someone *that everyone else refuses to help* and he treats me worse than he does the other...so the heck with him. Vent over...

So while I'm shaking off these vibes it occurs to me that I'm upset and hanging on to the trivial. So many others have real problems. Problems I've faced before, problems worth stressing over. This and yesterday's entire days events are not worth it. Then I feel guilty for even wasting time on it.

Today I was talking with a young lady who lost her child almost a year ago. Little Zoe-Beth was born too early, too fragile. She's experiencing emotions I know of all to well. See this is a real problem. Not bad vibes at work. I'm praying she has an easier time of healing than I've had, and I pray she doesn't take as long as I have to realize someone is walking with her. I don't know her in person, but I feel a deep love for her. I pray for her peace.

If anyone has any daily devotional's to recommend I would appreciate it. I'm looking to dig deeper, I'm just at a loss on how to do it.

New Journey

Today I begin a new journey, one I hope to take with you. I'm new to the blog world so bear with me! My name is Traci and I'm the mother of 4. My oldest son Zachary died suddenly on October 12, 2000. Part of me died with him. I took my children and ran home to my mom. We moved a few miles away from her and I'd begin to put my life back together. I finished nursing school, licked my wounds and forgot God. I didn't need him if he'd bring me pain like that. I went on to marry a wonderful man and start a new incredible life, far greater than I had ever imagined. I love my life! I was amazed at all the wonderful gifts I had been given. While my heart was still aching (and still is) I thought I was doing well in spite of all of it. Doing well without God. Little did I know he was with me the whole time. I'm learning now.

A few months ago I began to keep up with Stacy (He Will Carry Me) and Angie Smith's (Bring the Rain) blog. Something funny happend and I began to miss God's presence in my life and began reaching out to him. This is just the beginning.

I'm blogging to heal my wounds, hopefully help heal others and learn. Thanks for joining me!