The Night Before...

I hope you've been checking in on "He Will Carry Me". This is the story that prompted me on this journey. Today she has a post '24'. It's about the last 24 hours Issac is in her tummy.

Tommorow is his birthday, and possibly the day he will pass away. Her letter to him was amazing, it's on her other blog 'Dear Issac'. I've meant to link it through here and just haven't yet, but you can reach it through hers.

Anyways..the letter is what made me think. Something I've often entertained. Had I known that Wednesday October 11, 2000 was Zachary's '24' what would I have said or done? With tears a flowing here's what I've come up with.

I would have gone no where....or maybe I would have. I wouldn't have let go of him at all that entire time, and over and over again I'd remind him of how much I loved him and how his presence in my life has made me who I am and will continue to make me so much greater than I ever thought I could be.

He loved dinosaurs, perhaps I'd have rented every movie made about them, or took him to a museum.

I'd have fed him as many bananas and chocolate chip cookies he could stand! I'd have let him stay up all night watching Zaboomafoo, or The Rugrats if he wanted. I'd listen to all his stories, no matter how many times I'd heard them.

I'd tell him how brave he was, and I'd keep to myself how scared I would have been. I would ask him if he thought I was a good mom, and how I thought he was a great kid no matter how rowdy he could get.

I'd tell him all the stories of my childhood that I won't get to now. I'd tell him how similar we are, he loved to hear how he looked just like me. I'd take him to the church I grew up in and tell him how when I was little I used to watch the moms with their kids and day dream about the day it would be me, and how I always wanted a huge family.

I'd sing "Zaccheus" with him and let him sing as loud as he wanted, he loved to sing louder than the rest. I'd tell him about when I was in high school I used to be the leader of the "Little Kids Choir" at church and how I always knew I'd teach my kids those same songs.

I'd show him his ultrasound video and laugh about how funny he looked.

I'd ask him to always look over this brothers and sister and to snuggle with the brothers and sisters I don't know yet and hope to know later.

I'd snuggle with him some more and tell him I loved him some more.

I'd let him play until he tuckered himself out with his "brudder and sister", then I'd hold him in my arms and rocked him while he slept like he loved, and cover his with his 'pooh' blanket.

I'd play Power Rangers until I fully understood how amazing they were, and cheer for Darth Maul because he had the "coolest light saber".

I wouldn't take for granted one single thing. Something I am guilty of. All of us as parents are guilty of from time to time. I'd like to think I've gotten better at it since then.

I wouldn't have let go peacefully, I didn't understand, and I can't say I do now. I just understand now that there are things we'll never understand and it's not for us to. We have to take what we've been given and make the most from it. I try to live my life in honor of Zachary so his wasn't in vain. I know my older kids do too. Rhys is still too small to understand that.

Please pray for Stacy and Spencer. They need us more now than ever. They need to be surrounded by love and prayer. They need a miracle and if that isn't what's planned they need peace. They are amazing people with amazing faith. If you aren't famliar with Issac's story please take the time to read from the beginning. They aren't just carrying a baby, he's a living testament of faith.