New Year...

Dec 31, 2000... It was the last day of the last year that Zakk would ever see. As parts of me were crushed he wouldn't see the new year, more parts of me were anxious for that year to end. New Years eve had always consisted of many fun parties and the kids at Granny and Papa's house. Not that year, I sat in the little country house I had just moved my family into, in the middle of no where, 5 miles from my parents. I sat on the edge of my bed, tiny Rhys sleeping soundly, watching the clock in silence. 11:57, 11:58...etc, as each minute passed I grew more anxious. Finally it blinked 12:00. I breathed a literal sigh of relief.

It was over...

Good Riddance 2000.

The worst year of my life was over. As Judith had been telling me in our counseling sessions, there was pretty much NO WAY the next year could be this bad. I agreed with her, I knew in my heart the heavens would be easy on me at least this next year. I couldn't wait to see 2001.

I grew that year in ways I never expected, got into nursing school, became a better mother, and a better person all around. Things happend to me in a good way that had never happend before. I knew it wasn't by accident. Zachary was watching, and helping me grow. My little boy that I had protected and taught suddenly transcended me and was now my protector and my teacher.

Amazing.

He's not here physcially, but there is only a thin veil keeping us apart. He's very much here, I cannot see or touch him but he's very much here. I see him manifest in my life. Little things popping up and coming to be. Little reminders "Hey mom! I'm still here!"

To my friends who are sitting on the edge of a new year without your little ones, just remember it would be pretty darn hard to top what you went through this past year. Take solace in that even if you can't find anything else to cling to.

I hope to grow as much this year as I did in 2001. I love my life and I pretty much can't imagine it get better. This year I hope it's personal growth. I want to make changes in my thinking. To live healthier and perhaps a little greener.

God Bless You Guys!!!!

Happy New Year.