I'm back!

We just got back from Disney. Boy did we have fun! Nana and Alison had given the kids a trip to Disney World for Christmas, and Kevin and I decided to tag along. It was a blast! There's something so magical about standing at the base of Cinderella's castle and seeing the fireworks behind it. For just a moment you feel so free as if all your dreams can come true. I love that feeling, if only you could bottle that!

Disney also proved emotional for me. I missed my boy, and longed for him to be a part of all the magic. He loved Pooh, dionasaurs and Buzz Lightyear. So it was a bit much for me at times to be surrounded by all of those things. I made sure we hunted down pooh and had our picture taken as a family with him being our representative for Zachary... so here it is! I'm crying in this picture...silly I know. But it's me! I will also have you know, he would kiss me later! That made my day!

Dylan and Rhys had the most fun I think, dragging poor Alison on every rollercoaster and thrill ride the 4 parks have! Space Mountain, Everest, The Tower of Terror and finally The Rock and Roll Rollercoaster. Alison is awesome, and the only one brave enough to take them on all of those rides!

Canaan became 5 again. At one point during the parade Canaan grabbed my arm and nearly deafend me with screams of "THERE'S CINDERELLA, THERE'S CINDERELLA MOMMA" It was so sweet!

Rhys loves Pirates so I made sure he could be one while we were there. So here he is in his Jack Sparrow costume!

And here's Kevin with his Birthday sign. His birthday was on the 16th and we celebrated it there! He had dinner at Hooter's and the Hooter girls sang to him. Loved it!

There are a million more pictures as you can imagine. I'll spare you from them. Just know we had a blast!

Disney World

We're leaving for Disney tommorow! Very excited about this. It's the first time for me and the kids. We'll be going with Kevin's mom and her girlfriend. I'll try my hand at posting pics when we get back.

Fear

Yesterday I took Canaan to the ER because she was wheezing. We were there for a good bit of the night, a couple of breathing treatments, and a dose of steriods later she's breathing much better. The Doctor took and chest xray and said it was a small pneumonia. She's going to be fine. Thank the heavens!

Looking back at it, I know my daughter must have thought I was nuts. I was a nervous wreck and worried sick. We'd been down this road so many times. But recently Zachary and the events of Oct. 12 have been racing through my mind. Once again I question daily what I could have done to save him. Rational mind knows there was nothing. "Mom" mind says different. It's frustrating.

Just thought I'd share.

Meghan Maria Lara

I wanted to give a brief update on my girlfriend Lena and her family.

Meghan Maria Lara died on January 11, 2009, she'll be laid to rest tommorow. Please pray for her father Raymond and his family. Please keep them in your prayers. I don't know the parents but I can tell you my brave Lena is suffering. She's trying to put up a strong front but it's obvious she's hurting deeply inside for her brother and her mother.

Please keep praying for this family.

Prayer

I want to ask you today to pray for my friend Lena and her family. Lena's niece was born with a heart condition that they thought had been corrected with surgery. She was 2 or 3.

Sunday she passed away. She woke up early Sunday morning crying and suddenly passed out. She died upon arrival the the hospital.

Most of you who read this have suffered this loss. Please remember Lena's brother and his wife, surround them with light and love.

Thank you.

New Year...

Dec 31, 2000... It was the last day of the last year that Zakk would ever see. As parts of me were crushed he wouldn't see the new year, more parts of me were anxious for that year to end. New Years eve had always consisted of many fun parties and the kids at Granny and Papa's house. Not that year, I sat in the little country house I had just moved my family into, in the middle of no where, 5 miles from my parents. I sat on the edge of my bed, tiny Rhys sleeping soundly, watching the clock in silence. 11:57, 11:58...etc, as each minute passed I grew more anxious. Finally it blinked 12:00. I breathed a literal sigh of relief.

It was over...

Good Riddance 2000.

The worst year of my life was over. As Judith had been telling me in our counseling sessions, there was pretty much NO WAY the next year could be this bad. I agreed with her, I knew in my heart the heavens would be easy on me at least this next year. I couldn't wait to see 2001.

I grew that year in ways I never expected, got into nursing school, became a better mother, and a better person all around. Things happend to me in a good way that had never happend before. I knew it wasn't by accident. Zachary was watching, and helping me grow. My little boy that I had protected and taught suddenly transcended me and was now my protector and my teacher.

Amazing.

He's not here physcially, but there is only a thin veil keeping us apart. He's very much here, I cannot see or touch him but he's very much here. I see him manifest in my life. Little things popping up and coming to be. Little reminders "Hey mom! I'm still here!"

To my friends who are sitting on the edge of a new year without your little ones, just remember it would be pretty darn hard to top what you went through this past year. Take solace in that even if you can't find anything else to cling to.

I hope to grow as much this year as I did in 2001. I love my life and I pretty much can't imagine it get better. This year I hope it's personal growth. I want to make changes in my thinking. To live healthier and perhaps a little greener.

God Bless You Guys!!!!

Happy New Year.

WHOO HOO, we made it....

Through another holiday season that is! I took a brief break from blogging, I'm sure you noticed. A few days after my last post was the anniversary of Zachary's death, then it lead straight into the holiday season. For some reason this year it was harder than most.

The night before last *Christmas Eve* I had to work and I got off at my usual 7pm. Kevin and the kids had gone to his Aunt Dorothy's for the family gathering. I came home to an empty house. I knew I was going to and wasn't really bothered by that idea, I figured I would use the time to finish wrapping gifts, sip a glass of wine and just unwind. Boy, I had no idea what was going to happen. Grief has a funny way of just sneaking up on you and smacking you into reality in the oddest times. In the middle of giving report I started tearing up, and I felt the saddness begin to creep in. By the time I got in the car to go home I was sobbing. I realized in the 9 christmases that he'd be gone this was the first Christmas Eve I was alone.

Alone with my thoughts.....and my grief.

It became painfully clear, I miss him as much as always and probably more that night. I should have been wrapping gifts for a 14 yearold boy with all the others.

I just prayed. I prayed for peace, for Zachary, for a bitter co-worker. I felt better when I was done. Just to get it out. That's when I decided to start this up again after Christmas.

So here I am again :)